I kind of hate him...

 And I actually don't believe in hate. But when I think too much and too deep...the inner me growls and screams "I hate him"

I'm not ready to dive into the depths of my traumatized experience. But I hate what he did...what I let be 

The control. Trying, not with intent, but with propose of control, to hang himself. Not once but about 5x. Before I could get him down. Before I had to scream across rooms of the house not connected praying my daughter would hear me to help. My 16yr old daughter. 

Heard. Came. Saw her dad hanging. My 12yo son came saw called 911.

And all of this bc my husband became so delusional he thought if he kept "threatening" to take his life I would admit to the lies in his head he thought were true 

But..that's not the beginning. It was the end. This was after moments of torture. Making me believe I was safe than locking me in a room and attacking me. Me staying and taking it bc if I went anywhere else my kids suffered. Me doing things I wasn't proud of 

I'm not perfect. I chose wrong paths. I misjudged. Did things if never do. Stayed when I should have left.

But that...not being able to cut him down..feeling his arms flop on my back..cutting my fingers open trying to cut him down...when I knew he didn't do it bc he wanted to die but to control me. And my kids seeing it. That was the switch flipping off.

And the aftermath...stay tuned

Eating and that

Wow....i haven't been on here in awhile
I am taking on a new endeavor. ..clean/paleo eating.
Day 1...semi success and I am hungry.
Spinach/spring mix salad and a spinach wrap with mushroom and avacado.
Some edamame later..no salt of course.
It is hard...to imagine cutting out all bread,  pasta, tortilla chips!!!
But i am trying. One day at a time.
Just doing the 30 challenge for now.
Maybe if I make it through that I will be able to stay on track.
Cheers

Don't break the kids

I worry I'm going to break my kids. Not physically. But who they are. With my nagging, my impatience, my angry words.

My daughter is the most good hearted beautiful old souled person I know and I am scared every time I "lose" it and yell and rant and ask why are you doing that, that I'm breaking her piece by piece.

I don't want to ruin her. She was sent to me for a reason and I love her.  She was put on this earth to make a difference and I know she will. As long as I guide her and not push her.

And my son...oh he is something else. Been all boy from the beginning.  Rough, tough, and ready to rumble.  However,  he's also a lover. A big cuddler, loves hugging, and secret kiss sequences, and hates sleeping alone with no one around to reach out and touch. 

The essence of who he is is remarkable. I fear I will break it with my screaming, and scary voice, and inability to just stop for a minute and breathe.

They are wonderful. And I strive to wake up and see the world as they do. To take a moment and look around...to see the world of wonders and enjoy it.  I can only hope theu teach me and that I can guide them and stop pushing.

Just breathe, and love,  and don't break the kids...

A message to my daughter...

It only seems right to start by refrencing the beginning. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I wished and hoped for a girl, I know I wanted a healthly baby but having a girl would make it so much sweeter.

Finally time came and I was blessed with the news IT'S A GIRL! My heart swelled, my soul opened and it was as if I finally found my home, my place! It didn't take long after that to decide on your name and from 16 weeks on  I knew your name and who I hoped you would be.

And you are all that and more. So beautiful, kind, sweet, caring. You have the biggest spirit and an even bigger heart. May God help anyone that ever hurts you, there will be an army of protectors chasing them. Your emotions are always apparent on your face, your anger, your happiness, your pain, your sadness. You cannot hide it and I hope that aides you in your future and not hurt you. Remember though it's okay to hold back, it's okay to not show what you are feeling, and it's definitely okay to feel every emotion and feeling you have. Just learn how to check them, and keep them in perspective.

You were my saving grace. Without you I fear I would still be lost. Thanks to you I found my way and I fight everyday to stay the course. To be all you expect and want from me.

You are already an amazing little girl.  I imagine, no I know, you will be an amazing adult. You will change the world someday. This world is better off having you in it. Without you there would be a void in the universe. May you always remember this and carry it with you. Believe it is possible if you try. See your dreams and strive for them.

Choose friends that respect you for you. Not ones that want to control or change you. See that not everyone can be a friend, and some people will hurt you. You will get knocked down, you will struggle, you may even fail, but it's the getting back up part that matters. It's how you handle it and the grace you emit that matters.
Choose a guy that respects you and your beliefs, one that will love you like we do, and will love your family like you do. Don't settle for someone and never believe someone telling you that you can't do better. (oh and never bring home a guy that doesn't know how to tip his server!)

Through your eyes I know I am beautiful, and smart, and loving. I just hope I can live up to that. I pray you know and feel how much I truly love you. I can say it all the time, but I hope I show it as well. I hope my patience outweighs my impatience, and that I show you more care and love, than anger and hurt.

And know always that I am here. That my love for you (and your brother) outweighs anything else in this world. You can always come to me for help, for guidance, for anything you need. I will never turn you away or dismiss you. I will always stand in front of you, beside you, and behind you.

I love you baby girl...to the moon and back always and forever.

I can only hope...

I can only hope my children see the beauty in the world always, as they do now.
I can only hope they forever gaze at me with wonder and awe.
I can only hope all I do for them is enough to sustain them through the years.
I can only hope they always look at themselves and know they ARE enough.
I can only hope they see themselves the way I do, always, as beautiful, wonderful, awesome people who have so much to give the world.

May they always respect each other and those around them. The world, everything in it.
May they always be sure of themselves, and always ready to try things and grow.
In them the world grows, in them the world may change. May they look out at it knowing they can be something more than they ever thought possible.

In my childrens eyes I'm beautiful, for now on I choose to see myself the way they do. To stop fretting about what isn't and be happy with what is. Live in the moment of all we have and stop looking for something else.

They are what is the future. I hope I have the power and knowledge to lead them in the right direction and that without my guidance they'll continue heading in the right direction. They are amazing. They are special. They are all that matters.

I can only hope....

Ramblings from insanity....

Most days im sure im not only failing as a mother but as a human being.
Theres always so much yelling and after the yelling self-loathing because of it.

Im trying to bring in peace to my heart. To let go of all the stuff I can't control. To find forgiveness for those things that have hurt me most. Whether I did it to myself or had it done to me. Im trying to let go of anger and just....
b.r.e.a.t.h.e.

Im thankful for this life. Im blessed in this life. I am blessed and lucky I was chosen to be these kids mom. And everyday I find myself angry or yelling about little things I feel downright shitty. I feel like im letting them down and teaching them wrong.

I love them with every fiber of my soul and pray they know that above all else. I pray im not leading them astray. I just wish I could be heard without screaming like a crazed lunatic. It hurts me. It hurts them. We all lose.

Everyday I feel like a failure. As a human but mostly as a mom.

Is it enough?

I can't help but always worry if I am doing enough.
Am I doing enough for my kids? Am I preparing them for the world ahead of them? Will they love, respect, and have strength, hope and courage? Am I building them up or breaking them down? Do I encourage enough? Do I get to angry? Will they forgive my faults and find the true love in it all? Do they know my love for them is unconditional? That nothing can nor will ever change that?
Or am I raising them to be mad, angry, and always fighting and screaming? To be stubborn and argue all the time. Do I show them more ugly than beautiful?

Will they know love exists? That good people will prevail. That evil exists but we can overcome it if you stick together and believe.
Have I taught them enough to know it's okay to be vulnerable and to have doubts in life? do they know that I'll be there to help them, to guide them, and to most importantly LOVE them?
Is it enough?? Do I do enough right?

I want to know I did all I could. That I didn't damage them with words or actions. I need them to know love when they look at it. To not be scared. To know they are the best thing to ever happen to me and to their dad. And will always be the best of us both. To know life is hard. To know life is easy. To know life is exactly what you  make of it. To know they are our proudest acheivement. And to know they should never feel lost or alone. They should never feel beaten down or broke.

I want them to be able to stand up for themselves, to love, protect and trust. I want them to know it's ok to hurt and get knocked down but you have to get back up again. That it's ok to be humble and ask for help, that sometimes we all need a break and a time-out. I want them to never cut themselves down, or to sell themselves short, because they are more than that. They will be more than that.
I want them to look in the mirror and see the light shining from within that I see when I look at them. I want that brightness and love and wonder in their eyes to never go away. I pray they are always true to theirselves and each other. That when the world is hard and things are hurting that they can turn to me.  They'll never be forgotten they'll never be "not enough".

I hope to not bring down or hurt with words. To know love and goodness outranks any moments of selfish anger. That I will always fight for them because I KNOW they will be great, that they are destined to be great. They are the future. They are us.

Is it enough?