Oh Baby, Baby!!!

I love making lists of stupid things people do/say. Most of the time they're bottled up in my crazy mind, but now I have this blog I can get them out and laugh to myself...and maybe make someone else laugh....or cringe b/c maybe they've done it.
One of my best friends, that was there for me when I was pregnant with my first child, my beautiful daughter, and stood by my side through all the crap helped me come up with these ones...She's now expecting her first child, her own little girl and I couldn't be more thrilled...I only wish we were closer to watch our girls get old together...so they could be the "first mates" to our Captain and Skipper, yo!!!


That's truth right there.

So here it is...some of the completely stupid, annoying, overly idiotic people say and/or do to us pregnant folk!

• "Awww look at you don't you just love being all big and pregnant"   -Oh yes I genuinely love having my stomach squishing my bladder, being kicked repeatedly in the ribs, and not being able to walk up 2 steps without wheezing for my breath....it's just fabulous!!!



• "How are you feeling?" -Oh fine, just tired. "Well you better sleep now because you'll never sleep again" As my friend put it: REALLY? Is that supposed to be helpful. My life is going to change. REALLY?!?!  And as I know and have said: The tired you feel when you are pregnant is a completely different tired than when you have a NB. Being tired while you're pregnant is a complete different level, you have another HUMAN inside of you feeding off of you, taking your energy so it can grow! That's some freaky and tired shit!
• "What happened to you?" -Seriously?! Did you just ask me that?! Well you know I rolled 3x to the right in my sleep, kicked my legs, and woke up with this giant ball growing out of my stomach. I don't know what the hell is going on down there...but it's creeping me out...moving and rolling! Do you know what it is?
  
• "Wow you look like you're ready to pop!"  -Really, I didn't notice I was so big...you know when I couldn't get out of bed this morning, or roll off my back to lay on my belly, or that fact I looked down and almost lost it because my feet were gone. Yeah I had no fricking idea what kind of big I was, thanks for letting me know.
• (as told by my skipper) "Someone told me today that you can see it in my face! Thanks for noticing my double chin asshole.
• ALWAYS hated when someone would tell me what I could or couldn't do. The people who'd try to take things right out of my hands because I shouldn't be "carrying that", or "moving that"...blah blah blah. Women have been carrying babies and giving birth for ages do you think anyone told them not to carry the heavy water pails, or hike through the cold. HELLS NO! Exercise is good and if my doctor doesn't see a problem than why should you. I'm pregnant not handicapped shithole!
• (again from my skipper) -Aren't you glad you waited , b/c now you're older? -Bitch I didn't wait. I couldn't get pregnant, I had surgery and hormone medication and I'm fucking 30, not old!!!! (A prime example of why people should just shut their damn face!!!
• My biggest pet peeve: People thinking a pregnant belly is an open invitation to walk up to someone and touch their belly. No jackass you CANNOT just walk up to me and start invading my space touching my belly. Thanks for asking! I guarantee my baby doesn't want groped by you, and I sure as hell don't want you rubbing my belly like I'm some Buddha belly statue for good luck. Back off moron!

*There are more....I'm sure...but this will suffice for now. Any stories out there? Any idiots say something to you that just made you wanna reach out and slap them. Feel free to comment below.

The joys of pregnancy! haha



You've been served!

I have this thing I do..I bartend. It's a fun time. Get to meet new people, make fun of a lot of people, make drinks, sample drinks. And you know it's a great spare time filler. OK, truth, I have no spare time I bartend b/c no matter how many damn money trees I plant there ain't no hundred dollah bills falling off them. I must have messed it up somehow. Maybe I should've used a different fertilizer! Anyway so I bartend for a convenient job as I go back to school, again, raise my kids and husband. Along the way I get to watch peoples annoyances, or quirks as I'm sure they want them to be called.

This is just a small list of the things that make us servers go "hmmmm" or spit in their food (kidding I have never ever spit in someones food, I have a fear that will happen to me so I will in no way do it to someone else).

1. Can I get you something to drink today? "No I think I'll just take water!"
                Ummm I'm pretty sure water qualifies as a drink. But maybe I'm wrong
2. "I will have water, with ice and a straw in a glass."
          Wow good thing you told me you needed a glass I usually put drinks in bowls with a
         sometimes I leave out the spoon so I can watch you drink like an animal...it's what keeps me going.
 3. If we come up to a table with one person sitting there but there are 3 extra menus, we aren't stupid we
      know you are waiting on someone. We didn't ask. We asked if you needed a drink, a response to that
      isn't "I'm waiting on a couple more people. So I will just have a water for now I guess". 
4. Ordering hot tea when it's 100deg outside is nuts. And annoying. It's like a walking death wish. Just walk
    front of the bus and get it over with....it'd be easier I suppose
5. As you are looking down on us, because we're "just your server", but then look at the menu that says
     "lunch specials" then asking, do you have a lunch special menu or is this it?, or Do you serve lunch today?
      makes you sound stupid, and look worse. We look down on you and your idiotic ways.
6. You never know a servers story, where they are in life, what they're doing in life, why they're working
     (cash paycheck every night bitches), or anything else. So never treat them like they are below you, or
     your servants b/c THEY TOUCH AND SERVE YOUR FOOD silly fools!
7. Your child running around the restaurant, or all over the "private" party room isn't cute, or funny.
    Especially when you're sitting there drinking an adult beverage talking to the other "adults" laughing and
    ignoring the chaos. It's bad parenting, this isn't your house, get some control moron!
8. When you use the restroom at home, do you open the bathroom door with a paper towel and then
    precede to throw said paper towel on the floor by the door and just walking away. What the hell is that?
    Dirty jerks! Are you too lazy to carry it to a garbage or to figure out how to the open the door and then
    toss it!
9. I can't imagine while dining at home you drink 2 pitchers of sweet tea....wait never mind by the looks of it
   maybe you do, maybe you do.

I'm sure there are many more. I see something new everyday and I'm always amazed your momma's ever let you out of the house to begin with when you were little.I saved the best for last, I guess this was taught in some etiquette class I missed or my mom and dad brought me up all wrong. Because this guy seems to have a eating habit that compares with no one else.

Yea. That's right. Both feet up on the table, crossed, chilling, eating. Just being wrong!

Public: By all means keep coming out to eat though because as great as you think you are you are what keeps us going and smiling all night long. You're the reason when we really don't wanna carry one more plate or drink to a table we keep going and laughing all the while! Live on dirty people, live on!

Let's get it started!

I'm pretty random, and I like to think I'm witty. I'm probably neither. Either way I don't care. Fact.
If you don't like it than move a long to something else I promise I'm not offended. Hell I'll never know or care!!!
I only started a blog so I could ramble and bitch endlessly and then tell myself that someone actually listened and lay my head down and sleep peacefully. I doubt that will happen but hey at least I can tell myself that.
I have 2 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats, and now 3 fish. I guess I feel the need to creat my own arc. Maybe my subconscious is telling me something and you should all follow suit. Couldn't hurt, right?!
I'm forgetful. I've been told numerous times "When you go to the store, always buy milk!", so everytime I go to the store guess what I do, yup you know it...I forget the milk. To which JVMT husband gets pissssed!!!
It's as if the world ended b/c simple old me forgot the milk...because there isn't a gas station or a dollar genearl within 1/4 of a mile to hurry up and run to if we need it. Seriously! Get over it.
I like to wake up everyday and pretend "this is the day I'm going to do it"...you know clean, study, take a walk, exercise...whatever IT is for the day. But usually 7hrs later I've accomplished nothing and i'm pretty excited about that.
I hate buying small bottles of wine because if I drink the whole thing I feel like a lush, so if I buy the big one and only drink half of it I'm an underachiever!
In my head i know I'm not super woman, or even super mom, but on the outside I fly through life acting like I gotta be. There's never enough time in the day and even if there was I'd find a way to make it seem like there wasn't.
In general I don't like people...they are so needy and demanding and whiny...I wish I could slap em all with my big giant hands and give 'em all a lesson on what is and isn't.
I've never concerened myself with what others thought and never much cared who likes me or not. Truth is most of you won't but I'll still log on every now and then to irritate you and I bet you'll log on every now and then to bitch about me. It's a circle and it's fun!!! Go on and deny it but you'll be a liar.
I like useless facts and could rant on them forever. Hell I probably will!
Like I said and this post proves...I'm random...Let's see where I go from here. I hope someone follows...either way I always have something to say. :)